I miss going to church, I miss Christ. I feel so lost without my Faith. I want it back. I need it
I forgot how much I hate having feelings for someone. That uncertainty, fussing over how you look, feeling completely inadequate for that person…I hate it.
You know what? I’m proud of myself. If you would have told me a year ago what was going to happen in my life, I would have thrown my hands in the air and said “No way. I can’t handle all of this”. But you know what? I did. And I’m freaking proud of myself. I got out of a relationship I wasn’t happy in , even though it meant calling off my wedding and disappointing people. I survived months of therapy and learned how to trust people, how to hope, how to be okay. I learned how to overcome my depression for the most part and how to cope with those days, how to reach out to people and let them know I am feeling so broken and alone. I figured out that vitamin D is really important. I lost good friends and then made new ones that I can’t imagine my life without. I fell in love, got my heart broken, learned how to heal and move on. I learned how it feels to really fall for someone that you weren’t expecting. I almost lost someone I barely knew to herself. How to take time away for myself. The fact that I can love without bounds.
I learned how to be brave, how to take a leap of faith, how to get back on my feet. What a second chance feels like. I have made some of the greatest memories of my entire life, especially in the past few months and for that, I am so grateful. I am grateful that I can see the good moments and them not be overshadowed by the bad ones.
I learned that it really does get better. It really does. And I’m so glad I stuck around to see that.
I love you all
Anyone else stressed about the shit load of work and all the finals coming up?
DONT BE! Just listen to Christmas music and your mood will automatically be change! believe me:)
Good luck to everyone on their tests, assignments, projects and everything else these teachers are pilling on us!
You know I just realized how long it’s been since I have actually taken the time to write something. Like what’s going on in my life! So here’s a not so little blurb about what’s been going on. I also am probably going to re-do my page. We’ll see on that one though, because in all honesty, I really love my theme right now :)
So my boyfriend’s roomie, Seth, his girlfriend Leeann and our mutual friend Lauren (pronounced Lau-REN. Like…french sounding) have popped out Chris’s futon and all three are snuggled up on it, trying to watch Sherlock Holmes (the TV series) and sleep. They be so cute! I should post a photo right? Right.
I posted the photo before I posted this. I’m ridiculously smart, I know. Ugh, since getting this droid, I’m on my phone more than ever, but it’s sooo helpful for school. I have an entire anatomy/cadaver lab on there, I can check my homework, schedule things, listen to my textbook on the droid kindle app. It’s amazing I swear.
Grrr the person next door is playing their music so fucking loud I can hear it through the wall. Irritating!!!!
What’s been going on? School. Life. Relationships. Trips to the dermatologist for my acne. A baby (virtual one for class, I’m not pregnant.). Sick families and I am so ready for fall. Are you guys?
Ah, pumpkin spice lattes here I come!!!
The other day was summer solstice, meaning that summer 2012 is (officially) here! But I honestly can’t believe that half of this year is almost gone already. I finally got to take some pictures with Chris, so I’ll put those up at the end of the post, okies?
I have been so SO frustrated with my face recently. I haven’t broken out this badly on my forehead in over a year probably. It has made me sooo self conscious, which led to me putting on more makeup. More makeup = more acne! Epic Fail Sia! Plus I took a step back and looked at my diet….which was just horrible. I haven’t been drinking water, I don’t think I have eaten fruits or veggies in a week, and junk food has become a staple instead of a treat. Chris hasn’t been eating well either. So we took a huge grocery shopping trip last night at like 10 pm. Went to the local Safeway, bought tons of greek yogurt (the Fage brand. I don’t particularly like the plain stuff, but it’s pretty good if you mix it with some fruit in a blender!), salad, orange juice, mangoes, string cheese, whole wheat bread, lunch meat etc. So hopefully that will start clearing my face up! Plus I have been using a new clarifying lotion that my mom bought which is helping a TON. It’s Arbonne, apparently this fancy Swiss company? Not completely sure, but i LOVE it. It dries out my skin waaaay too much if I use it more than once a day, so I put it on at night.
Enough of that! Here’s some pictures of me and Chris playing on his old elementary playground!
Purple slide that I almost fell off of >_<
He’s SO cute!!! Argh! lol
So yea, that’s a couple of the photos. Expect more! Because I got a Droid 4 and figured out how to sync it to tumblr through instagram. I are smarter than phone…for once. That thing kicks my butt >_<!
Also, I think another reason my skin is being a freak is I am SO stressed!! My apartment lease is up in like a month or two, and my roommates didn’t pay their portions of their rent, so we might be getting evicted!! I can stay with Chris while I find another place (I pretty much am there 24/7 anyway lol) but it’s just FRUSTRATING!!!!!! I guess we’ll see what happens….ugh. Praying that a place will come up that I can afford!
Even though I’m not getting married this summer like I had been planning for the last 7 or so months, I can’t get weddings out of my head. I’m not sure if it’s just because it’s me, and I have thought about what I want in my wedding since I was about 5, or something else. I know I’m not regretting ending my engagement with Tim, but wedding planning is DAMN fun. Honestly, I’m thinking about the idea of being a wedding planner. I had planned this summer to work at a local wedding boutique that wanted me to model for them, but actual wedding planning hadn’t come into my mind until a few days ago.
Looking back, I think I wanted a wedding more than a marriage. The glamor of planning the wedding, the glow from all my congratulations etc. But when I think of actually getting married, and being with someone the rest of my life, I feel like throwing up. And not in that omgn I’m so excited way either. In a “holy snot I almost made a huge mistake” way. And I mean no offense to Tim, honestly I don’t. Just because he wasn’t the perfect guy for me, doesn’t mean that he won’t be for another girl. And I fully believe that whomever gets the privilege of marrying him is one lucky lady. It just wasn’t me is all.
My mom recently asked me if I could see myself being married to Chris, just out of curiosity. My family is from the Old South, so they’re pretty conservative, and don’t really like the idea of dating just for…well sex. As I took a moment to contemplate my answer, I realized that I would marry Chris someday. If he got down on his knee right now I’d probably say not now (poor guy lol) because I know I’m NOT ready for that. But I can see us sitting out on a porch together, having breakfast before work and sharing bubble baths. I couldn’t see that with Tim. Now it doesn’t mean that Chris is automatically my perfect soul mate, but the fact that I can see BEING married to him, instead of just the wedding, makes me really happy.
yea, that’s my rant for right now lol. What are you guys up to this lovely monday evening, hmm?
Why is it that I feel so insecure when it comes to ex girlfriends? I mean, Chris’s last girlfriend he hated. Like, he’s threatened to get a restraining order against her. She is a lunatic - for example, punched him as hard as she could in the neck; while he was driving! And the girlfriend before that? 3 years ago. But I think the fact that he got down on one knee and proposed to her is why I’m nervous.
Honestly I think it’s just that I found one of those rare guys that is a prince charming and you want to keep forever, and I’m terrified of losing him. It drives me insane though, I’m not used to dealing with these kinds of feelings. We talked about it a couple days ago. Chris said that he wishes I wouldn’t worry, that those ex’s are ex’s and in the past for a reason, and that I’m in his present and hopefully his future for a reason. Which was really sweet and just made my heart melt. But I get…literally sick to my stomach feeling when I think of Kelly or Bridgette. Ugh. UGH!!
Advice, pretty please? Someone tell me I’m being an idiot, or that my feelings are understandable and valid. Please, I’m begging you!
We close in 20 minutes. Have I ever mentioned where I work? So Chris’s Dad Scott, before he was killed, and his best friend Tom built this hot tub place from the ground up. Now it’s one of the biggest in the nation. And I get to work there. Pretty cool, right? It’s crazy, I guess Scott had such good customer service, that there was this award created, the Scott Smith award for Customer Satisfaction/Service. It’s nationwide and a HUGE honor. Chris and his Mom got to award it to MHT (where I work) and I guess people started crying. It was really emotional I bet. A lot of people were broken when Scott was killed.
It’s funny because I met Scott when I was like 4 or 5. Chris’s grandparents lived next door to me when I was little we figured out, and I remember once I got lost in a grocery store in town. And I saw this man, and I was like “DADDY!!!!!!!!!!” And ran smack into his leg. Except it wasn’t my Daddy - it was Chris’s Dad Scott. Who then helped me find my parents. I didn’t realize it of course until I saw a picture of Chris’s Dad from around that time period, and I started crying “I know this man!”. It was super cool. Yea.
Blaaaahhhh. 10 minutes till closing. I wanna go home and nap for an hour until Chris gets home from work. I miss him, we haven’t seen much of each other because I work on his days off, and he works on mine. :( sad panda, right? I finally got internet, so I’ll be writing more personal posts on here than just reblogging pictures like I have been. I mean, I’ll keep doing that, but I am totally gonna take the time to sit my butt down and write. I miss it honestly. I’ll probably start another one after I post this actually.
Okies gotta gooooo
So much has happened in the last couple months that I can’t even believe it. Especially this last month. I broke off my engagement, moved into an apartment and am looking for a house. I met the most amazing man, or rather realized he’d been in front of me the whole time, and said goodbye for now to two of the most amazing women I have ever had the privilege to meet. I pulled more all nighters than all semester and managed to get a B in a class I thought I was going to fail. I smoked weed for the first time and learned I hated it. I watched people go through heartbreak and start healing. I spent far too much money, but I can’t bring myself to regret it. I have learned more about myself in this past month and a half than in three years. I guess it’s because I’m finally allowed to be myself again. While I’m still part of an us, I am an individual. There’s no more stifling feelings, or being someone else to make anyone else happy. I’ve realized it’s not worth compromising my character or my happiness to make someone else happy. It’s just not, no matter how selfish my choice may seem. I won’t regret it. I can’t. I’m too happy.
Well..if you can count July 2nd as “Soon”. Which I totally do. Chris asked me what I want for my birthday. He was going to buy me one of those awesome KitchenAid Mixers in lime green (because I saw one in Macy’s and was like OOOOOO). I asked for a necklace though because I love them. Part of me wants to ask for a Tiffany’s necklace. The infinity necklace or even the bracelet would be so amazing. Actually it doesn’t have to be Tiffany’s, I just want an infinity necklace!