This morning I was sitting at breakfast with my roommate, wearing my big dorky “hipster” glasses, sipping a cup of coffee and staring out at the rain. It was one of those reflective moments that I don’t have very often (but probably should) and what I realized startled me. Normally I think to myself “You’re stuck here now, but once this and this happen, then you’ll be happy.”
I didn’t think that this time. I sat there and I understood that while yes, I’m excited for things in the future (me and Tylan, moving to Seattle, getting a cat) that I am so happy with where I am right now. I feel…satisfied. Content, comfortable and at peace with the world. That’s something I haven’t felt in a long time. I think part of it has to do with Tylan because he makes me that happy, but I feel a large part of it has to do with me. I have taken chances, made leaps of faith and done a whole lot of stuff I have wanted, but never had the balls to do. And you know what? I feel like I belong. I think I understand now that, feeling like you belong somewhere, or knowing where you belong, it changes all the time. But more than anything it’s that feeling of knowing everything happens for a reason, and you’re there for a reason. In that moment, you belong where ever you are.
Well enough deep thoughts for right now. My socks don’t match and they are neon colors. Should I post a picture of them? They’re kinda amazing!!!! I’m going to go take a nap soonish because I have a headache (all that thinking!) and I want to lol. I will probably be writing a post to sort of introduce you guys to Tylan. OH he said he would do the “Boyfriend does my makeup” video AND Tylan agreed to the Blindfold Makeup Challenge. Where I’m blindfolded and doing HIS makeup. Awesome boyfriend :P. Also you guys should let me know if you want me to sneak a picture of him and post it on here so y’all can see his perty face !
The other day was summer solstice, meaning that summer 2012 is (officially) here! But I honestly can’t believe that half of this year is almost gone already. I finally got to take some pictures with Chris, so I’ll put those up at the end of the post, okies?
I have been so SO frustrated with my face recently. I haven’t broken out this badly on my forehead in over a year probably. It has made me sooo self conscious, which led to me putting on more makeup. More makeup = more acne! Epic Fail Sia! Plus I took a step back and looked at my diet….which was just horrible. I haven’t been drinking water, I don’t think I have eaten fruits or veggies in a week, and junk food has become a staple instead of a treat. Chris hasn’t been eating well either. So we took a huge grocery shopping trip last night at like 10 pm. Went to the local Safeway, bought tons of greek yogurt (the Fage brand. I don’t particularly like the plain stuff, but it’s pretty good if you mix it with some fruit in a blender!), salad, orange juice, mangoes, string cheese, whole wheat bread, lunch meat etc. So hopefully that will start clearing my face up! Plus I have been using a new clarifying lotion that my mom bought which is helping a TON. It’s Arbonne, apparently this fancy Swiss company? Not completely sure, but i LOVE it. It dries out my skin waaaay too much if I use it more than once a day, so I put it on at night.
Enough of that! Here’s some pictures of me and Chris playing on his old elementary playground!
Purple slide that I almost fell off of >_<
He’s SO cute!!! Argh! lol
So yea, that’s a couple of the photos. Expect more! Because I got a Droid 4 and figured out how to sync it to tumblr through instagram. I are smarter than phone…for once. That thing kicks my butt >_<!
Also, I think another reason my skin is being a freak is I am SO stressed!! My apartment lease is up in like a month or two, and my roommates didn’t pay their portions of their rent, so we might be getting evicted!! I can stay with Chris while I find another place (I pretty much am there 24/7 anyway lol) but it’s just FRUSTRATING!!!!!! I guess we’ll see what happens….ugh. Praying that a place will come up that I can afford!
Even though I’m not getting married this summer like I had been planning for the last 7 or so months, I can’t get weddings out of my head. I’m not sure if it’s just because it’s me, and I have thought about what I want in my wedding since I was about 5, or something else. I know I’m not regretting ending my engagement with Tim, but wedding planning is DAMN fun. Honestly, I’m thinking about the idea of being a wedding planner. I had planned this summer to work at a local wedding boutique that wanted me to model for them, but actual wedding planning hadn’t come into my mind until a few days ago.
Looking back, I think I wanted a wedding more than a marriage. The glamor of planning the wedding, the glow from all my congratulations etc. But when I think of actually getting married, and being with someone the rest of my life, I feel like throwing up. And not in that omgn I’m so excited way either. In a “holy snot I almost made a huge mistake” way. And I mean no offense to Tim, honestly I don’t. Just because he wasn’t the perfect guy for me, doesn’t mean that he won’t be for another girl. And I fully believe that whomever gets the privilege of marrying him is one lucky lady. It just wasn’t me is all.
My mom recently asked me if I could see myself being married to Chris, just out of curiosity. My family is from the Old South, so they’re pretty conservative, and don’t really like the idea of dating just for…well sex. As I took a moment to contemplate my answer, I realized that I would marry Chris someday. If he got down on his knee right now I’d probably say not now (poor guy lol) because I know I’m NOT ready for that. But I can see us sitting out on a porch together, having breakfast before work and sharing bubble baths. I couldn’t see that with Tim. Now it doesn’t mean that Chris is automatically my perfect soul mate, but the fact that I can see BEING married to him, instead of just the wedding, makes me really happy.
yea, that’s my rant for right now lol. What are you guys up to this lovely monday evening, hmm?
That’s crazy, it can’t be that soon! Okay…after this is april…may…june..july…august 4th…..No. Really about four months from now, and I will be a wife.
I’m so excited! Time has just been flying by, which is good, fly by time, I want Tim to be home and us to be in front of a crowd in black and white! But my goodness, I didn’t realize it was this close already. One thing about having a low-key family wedding is that it’s really not stressful to plan so far. I have had a smaller budget than planned, which has lost me 1 bridesmaid that I practically cried over, but I guess Mom and Dad will shell out cash for a honeymoon instead? Oh well, win on that part!
Now to figure out where to go…..Or to not go and save the money….
Does a blanket fort in your living room count as a honeymoon?
I think so…
So like I said earlier, I got my first letter from Timothy. I was SUPER excited because we hadn’t heard anything since Sunday. Monday the 19th he’ll be starting his third week in Fort Jackson South Carolina! I actually was able to get on the Echo 2-39’s Facebook, and was able to see him in a couple pictures.
I started crying. He looked so handsome standing there in uniform…and slightly nervous. It was taking on his first actual day of basic, and heck, I’d be nervous too! Maybe I’ll start posting a few pictures on here sometimes, if you guys will be able to tell who he is.
Ugh. 16 weeks to go for basic and ait. Breathe. You can do this Sierra!
Do you understand darling, how much I love you? How happy it made me, when you took me under the stars and asked me to be yours forever?
Normally the days passing so quickly depresses me, I feel like I’m losing track of life, but this time I applaud the speed of life. This is because I know that soon you will be home from Fort Jackson, and after that I will walk down the aisle with my father at my side, trying not to cry as I see that smile. Your smile. The smile that belongs to the man I will soon be calling my husband. Every night when I feel like crying from missing you, I just imagine two things: Me running into your arms as you walk out of the security gate in the airport, and walking toward you wearing white.
You are my best friend. I used to think that I would never able to call a man “my best friend” because I thought there were so many things we would never be able to share. I couldn’t complain to you about period cramps, and you would never go buy me Kotex and chocolate. But you listened, you ran to the store for me, and you did it all with a pervading kindness that I fell for so fast. You have always been there for me, through thick and thin with a gentle understanding, and warm strong arms that helped me through. You prayed with me, you loved with me, you hoped with me. You watched movies that you hated, just because you knew that I loved them and they would make me happy. I swear, I have never laughed as much in my life as I do with you. Sometimes I can see the questioning look in your face when I don’t laugh at your obviously funny jokes, but usually it’s because you made me laugh so darn hard that I have a sore tummy.
Being in high school at the time, I had been surrounded by loves that just weren’t made to last. Most people would be wary, and assume that this was just another puppy love. With us though, it was obvious it wasn’t. You and I both know that people have said “I can see you two getting married someday”, and here we stand. On the brink of slipping on our rings and declaring that we did indeed marry our high school sweetheart.
Beginning of March we started a new journey together. You left to go join other courageous soldiers for BCT in Fort Jackson. I was asked the questions “Are you okay with this? Are you sure? You’ll be waiting when I get back?” over and over. I said yes to all, but you saw the fear that was starting to grow, and you lovingly held me as I cried (and ruined your shirt I believe) for hours the two nights before you left. You held me as I sobbed and said “I can’t wait till we’re married” and told me that I am already your wife. Which of course made me cry harder. As I stood there with a gate between us waiting for you to board the plane, I saw you smile at me. And though you said no actual words, I know you were saying “I love you, and it’ll be okay I promise”.
And you were right. I’ll be here, waiting and planning the event to make us man and wife, though in both our eyes we already are.
I love you forever Timothy,
I know I have been sucking hard at posting recently. I’ve been busy, avoiding homework, crying alone and have probably spent as much time eating as sleeping.
Tim’s only been gone 7 days, but it seems like months. It’s getting better though, even though I haven’t heard a word since Monday when he told me his flight from Atlanta to Fort Jackson had been delayed 5 1/2 hours.
I can feel myself changing though. My roommate Un is very fond of the phoenix, and the ideals behind the bird that rises from the ashes of it’s own death. I believe I am finally starting to understand why she loves that so much. One of my favorite songs is Rise by Shawn McDonald. “I will rise, out of these ashes rise”.
One of the reasons I’m rising though, is my Faith. I couldn’t do this, knowing that I’m planning an entire wedding without my loved one there, knowing I still have at least four months till I see Tim, unless somehow I am able to come up with about a $1,000 for a plane ticket to see him. Or to drive. But somehow, as I’m stumbling along this road, it’s starting to get smoother.
I want to change, to work hard, to do well, very well, in school. I’m so so proud of Tim for the choice he has made of joining the military, and I want to be a spouse that he can be proud of my accomplishments as well. It’s a driving force that I haven’t really ever felt before.